The Final Fifty











{May 20, 2013}   I’m Not Quite Dead

I swear I’m still alive, though only just.

Wednesday last week was, blessedly, a music-only rehearsal, so I got my much needed rest night. Thursday I ran, and Friday I got home and ended up taking an unscheduled 2-hour nap, which was desperately needed at that point. After the nap, I managed to do most of my upper body weight regimen, even though I haven’t been able to do it in forever. I’m keeping the brace on so that I don’t inadvertently re-injure the most delicate part of it, but other than that it went really well.

Saturday was my Day O’ Masochism. I got up early to hit up a yard sale with a friend, then went to belly dance class (the fitness one, where we do crazy reps of everything and you leave feeling all the muscles you normally forget exist.) After that, I was sore and tired, but I pushed myself to go out and run anyway. I was thoroughly used up after that, but I sort felt like a big fucking badass, so the payoff was worth it. After that, my friend came over to catch me up on tribal belly dance for a performance we’re doing end of next week. Thankfully that was the milder kind without the intensity, but I was still droopy through the whole thing. Rounded out the night at a party at a friends house.

Sunday was DBF’s graduation, so I just had to walk down to the theater. We went out to a hibatchi grill for lunch, which was freaking spectacular. I had a little bit of green tea ice cream, which was a treat though it tasted really really sweet to me. I don’t really regret it, but reflecting on it now I didn’t enjoy it as much as I would enjoy other things, so I think that might have been my parting wave to proper desert. Every once in a while I’ll let myself have a taste of something that I used to enjoy, but every single time it’s been way too sweet for me to actually enjoy. It might just take me a while to get that through my thick head, lol.

I might have to experiment with ice cream recipes, see about leaving out most of the sugar, or finally do the frozen banana and cocoa powder thing. Maybe I could do something with coconut milk even.

After the graduation and all assorted festivities were done, it was too late for me to go to rehearsal, so I went to my friends belly dance class to practice more for next week. It’s scary, because there’s no planned out ahead of time choreography, it’s all group impov, so it’s all a matter of learning the cues and keeping up with the leader. I figure even if it’s not perfect, it should be fun, and we’re dancing to Led Zeppelin! So excited.

On Saturday, I also made a huge batch of curry squash soup, so that’s at home waiting for me for dinner tonight! I think it’s pretty deadly, too, lol.



{May 13, 2013}   Back On Track

I managed to survive the weekend, and did all the stuff I set out to do and a bit extra. I did my belly dancing at home on Saturday morning, and got my run squared away after the baby shower. Later, one of the cast members from Hair suggested we all meet up for some karaoke, so I ended up going out to that and dancing most of the night until 2a.m. Maybe not the wisest thing, but I had a blast, so I’m not sorry I did it.

As if to have it’s revenge on me, my body woke up at 8a.m. the next morning and I decided to fight it since there were things needing to get done. So we took the bus down to the mall, I picked up a pair of shorts for the summer and we did the grocery shopping before making the return trip, this time laden with bags of groceries. Rehearsal was, fortunately, not ALL dancing, though the dancing we did do was just as punishing as the last round.

Tonight I’m not doing anything extra, but we have another dance rehearsal this evening, possibly for three hours, so this is not a rest day at all. Tuesday is a running day, and at least for now I refuse to budge on that at all. I might have to budge on other things, but, at least until show weeks, I feel like I can run three days a week no matter what.

Right now I feel okay. I’m tired, to be sure, but not badly tired, and more mentally together than I’ve been in a long time. I don’t get sore at all except when I stay still for too long, and then I just have to move around a bit and I start to feel better. It’s different from the garden variety fatigue from before, because I feel less mentally tired. I could probably stand to take a nap, which I will probably do tomorrow, after I run (or I might just go to bed earlier than usual), but mostly I’m ok. I have been doing to bed each night thoroughly exhausted, and usually a bit sore in the legs, but when I wake up I feel significantly better.

My running is improving every time I go out, and I think I’m going to add another widget to the side to post my starting statistics and my most recent statistics so I can keep my progress in one spot. I’m now at 14:22 minutes per mile, which I still think is lower than reality, because it’s taking into account the 10 minute warmup that is all walking. Every time I go out, I try my best, and I really didn’t think I’d beat the time before last because I’d pushed as hard as I thought I was capable of, but I keep surprising myself with it. Who knows where I’ll manage to get myself if I keep at it.

I managed to rein in my eating this week as well, so all in all I really feel like I’m back on track. Grocery shopping means I have the stuff to make chili and squash curry soup, both of which last for several days so I don’t have to find time to cook so much. I want to go looking for more easy, healthy recipes so I can branch out a bit, but the ones I currently circulate are all tasty and satisfying, so all in all thats going ok. I think, all in all, I’m getting to some really healthy habits, I just need to keep myself focused and make sure I track everything correctly.

The weigh in was good, I lost another half inch off my waist and am down two pounds again, so hopefully last weeks little hiccup won’t be repeated any time soon.



I’ve hit a sort of interesting point when it comes to my activities. It’s sort of been sneaking up on me for a bit, I guess, but it really became apparent this week, as running has really started to become a thing for me.

The first time I noticed it was when I first started to work dance in regularly. There were three kinds of dance I was mainly interested in (ballet, tap and belly dance), and, wanting to work each one in twice a week, I started dancing six days a week. It was a great thing for me, and I might’ve continued on that way for some time were it not for rehearsals and other commitments. But the noteworthy thing, for this post anyway, was that I was focused more on the activity itself than I was on the necessity of getting enough exercise. The dancing was more important than the calories burned.

What’s happening now is sort of the same thing. There are so many activities that I want to work into my schedule that it’s becoming less of a “must be active enough” thing and more of a “argh, when can I squeeze in _______” thing. This means that I might not have time for proper rest days, except when I have rehearsals with no choreography component and am therefor too booked up to squeeze anything else into.

I’m not quite sure what that is going to be like, though I’m starting to get a bit of a taste of it this week. Yesterday was the only day I could really do ballet, so I did that. I also wanted to test out the new bike seat, so I took it on a short spin before walking down to dinner with DBF. I didn’t have much down time, but I’m sort of not very tired anyway. Today I didn’t make it to my proper belly dance class, so I did belly dance at home. We have a baby shower to go to in a bit, and I’m hoping to get home early enough to get my run in later on. Tomorrow will be grocery shopping followed by a long dance rehearsal (which might actually kill me, based on last weeks dance rehearsal.)

Don’t get me wrong, I still have the lazy voice in my head saying “maybe I don’t need to do this today”, but then the other voice chimes in with “if you don’t do it now, when are you going to fit it in?” And that argument usually shakes out with me getting off my butt to go do whatever thing is on my agenda. I still have no clue when I’m going to work in weights when I can actually do weights again (which might be very soon.) I have this vaguely-doomish feeling that it’s going to end up being on my “rest days”, lol.

What I need to be careful of here is that I’m still getting enough rest. I can’t do weights on the same muscle groups on consecutive days without both risking injury and stymying my own progress, and I’m going to have to be a big meany head with myself about getting to bed by 10 every night so that I can make sure I’m getting enough sleep. I think if I can manage those two things, along with continuing to eat right and get plenty of water, I’ll be ok. At any rate, I think the number one thing I need to do is listen to my body and be willing to let some things go if it tells me I need to relax more.

So far, that hasn’t been happening, and I’m getting to the point where I’m feeling less and less comfortable with just sitting on the couch. After a little while, I start to feel myself getting stiffer and stiffer, whereas moving around keeps me feeling more mobile and limber.

Last night we went out for seafood, and I got maple ginger salmon with roasted cauliflower. It was awesome, and because if the lack of a starchy side, and the relatively low calories in salmon, it’s been one of the few times I could sit down and eat an entire entree without blowing past my calorie limit. The salmon was very good and tender. It still has a slightly fishy taste, which I am still getting used to, but I liked it well enough anyway. Not everything is an instant favorite, but I find that I can learn to like most everything if I keep giving it a good shot and try preparing it in different ways.

Also, it took me almost the entire week to recover from last weeks weigh in, but I’m finally starting to feel better about my body and my improvements in diet and health again. Getting my caloric intake back under control was a big part of it, but the activities I’ve been doing are helping, too. It’s pretty hard to feel decidedly bad about yourself when you are steadily improving at things you never thought you would be physically capable of doing.



Last night was the first real rehearsal for Hair, and we spent the entire time dancing. For most local, community theater productions, choreography is a bit on the weak side… jazz boxes, grapevines, a lot of variations on standing and moving around in a relatively small area. This, apparently, is not going to be that kind of a production.

Fortunately, I am both too weak (wrist injury) to support the weight of another person, and too heavy and tall to be a candidate for lifting myself, so I’m spared the more daring maneuvers that other cast mates get to participate in, but there’s a lot of getting up and down off the floor, which is difficult for me because of my knees being somewhere south of awesome. I might get better at it with practice, and practice I most definitely will, but for the moment it was a significant workout for me. Which is not a bad thing, really, it just means that this show will push me out of my comfort zone, and that can be a bit discomforting.

Today’s mission is to swap out the seat on my bike, and then do the next Zombies, Run! mission. This time, the running durations will be twice as long, with some heel lifts in between and a longer walking time afterward. I’m looking forward to trying it out, though I admit I wish it was going to push me a little harder than that. It’s only 5 repeats instead of 10, so it amounts to the same amount of running as last weeks sessions. I can always run more in the free run part, though, so if I feel the need to push myself harder, I can.

Fortunately, I can go running at any time this evening, since I have no other plans. This is a very good thing, because it is hot today, and heat is a bit asthma trigger for me, so avoiding that will make it easier for me to really push myself.



I did week 1, mission 2 in the Zombies, Run! 5k app last night. It went well, even though it was hot out, which usually angries up my asthma. I didn’t go past the mission duration like I did last time because I had plans later in the evening, so I ended up doing 2.2 miles in 36 minutes. I’m still surprised as hell that I’ve been able to do this much, but I’m excited and I can’t wait to continue pushing myself.

I made a deal with myself that, if I make it through all 8 weeks of the training sequence, I’ll buy myself a Runner 5 tshirt as a reward. So, there’s a goal.

I looked at bikes at the shop directly across the parking lot from my work. They have a used Trek mountain bike for $200, which wasn’t that comfortable to ride and made noises when I rode uphill, and they have a beautiful Giant xroad bike for $350 that is so comfortable to ride, but more than I am hoping to spend.

This weekend I am going to a bike swap with my friends, one of whom is working there, and he’s going to help me find bikes that will work for me, so hopefully I get myself something suitable.

It’s not so much that I absolutely can’t swing the $350, it’s that I don’t know yet how much I’ll actually get to ride it, especially since it’s cold and gross here 5-6 months out of the year. Also, though I’d like to think that I’ll use it to go to the grocery store and for other errands, riding in the road sort of scares the piss out of me because cars, so it all depends on how comfortable I can get riding and dealing with traffic. Fortunately, you can ride on the sidewalk in most of Vermont, but I still don’t know how worthwhile it will be. If I can find something cheaper to start out and get me through the next year or so, it’ll be a much more responsible purchase.

Last night was trivia night at Buffalo Wild Wings, and I got myself some soft pretzels again. It was more than made up for by the running yesterday, so I didn’t worry about it at all. One of my friends told me she’s glad I cheat once in a while, which sort of made me laugh a bit. I realized that I don’t think of it as cheating, I think of it as food that isn’t good for me, so I only eat it once in a while. I think that’s a good way to look at it, because there’s no guilt associated with an “occasional food” like there is with a food that constitutes “cheating” or “breaking your diet.”

When it comes to what you eat, there are healthier choices and less healthy choices. Making unhealthy eating choices does not amount to a moral failing, or an indication that you are not worthwhile as a person. Loading yourself up with guilt over food is a fast track to an eating disorder, not to mention the whole point of eating better or losing weight is to feel better, both physically and mentally. Guilt is NOT going to help with that.

I wish I knew how to replicate the changes I’ve made mentally, because I feel like I could help a lot of people if I knew what the source of the change was and how to flip that switch, but the truth is, something in me was ready to cut the cord between negative emotions and crappy food. I feel like I’m developing a relationship with food now that is totally different than the one I had before. It’s more about taking care of my body, carefully guarding it from the things that made us so unhealthy to begin with.

In essence, I think you have to learn to be friends with your body, to think of it like your partner or team mate. If you give it what it needs and take care of it, it’ll start becoming what you want it to be. I don’t mean that in the new agey sense, I mean in the literal sense. Learn the signs it’s using to tell you when things are wrong, learn to tell the difference between hungry, thirsty, tired, and upset. Take it out for a spin to keep it mobile, and keep the engine in working order.



Today was my first weight in in two weeks, since I missed it last week. Amazingly, though I haven’t done much in the way of actual working out, it’s all good news. I’ve lost four more pounds in that time, and shrunk a little bit in virtually every part of my body (including my wrist and forearm… I guess inevitable, but still strange.)

I still haven’t had the energy to properly dance or do weights, but I’ve been trying to get out of the house and moving at least. Yesterday I went out and walked on Church Street for a while, then met my eye doctor at his office because I apparently have bacterial conjunctivitis. He went into his office on a Saturday just to see me and get me sorted with a prescription. I walked back up to the pharmacy to get my eye drops. All told, I probably walked for at least an hour.

Today I went and caught the bus down to the mall, putzed around Kohl’s for a bit browsing, then went to the grocery store to stock up on some things. I probably got ¬†at least thirty minutes of walking in, all together, and I got some practical things accomplished. I’m finally figuring out how to get around effectively on the bus.

Trying on clothes only confirmed that the various brands cannot fucking agree on anything. There were 12s that fit me, there were 8s that fit me. I think I’m sort of around a 10 maybe? Who the hell knows anymore. I know I’ve got a ways to go still, that’s the only take home message I could draw from the whole thing.

Today I was awesome because I didn’t stay at home just because I don’t have a car. I figured out how to get more places, and I got some walking in at the same time. I was brave about trying on smaller sizes of things than I thought I could possibly wear. I bought more fruit and more tea to support healthy habits.

Also, an update: The goal skirt arrives and fits already, though I’m going to wait to wear it until I shrink some more so I don’t stretch it as much. I got one wrap skirt already and have two more coming, and I love them already. I also went to a thrift store and got another skirt (size 8) that will fit pretty soon, so I’m excited about that one two. The dress I ordered doesn’t fit yet, and I might save it longer than necessary for the same reason: the top is stretchy and I don’t want it to stretch to it’s max so that I can wear it longer. I need to get a slip or something for that one, it’s sheer in places.



Yesterday was tough. The morning was lovely, with a bit of Doctor Who and lazing about in bed with the sunshine streaming in through the windows. I’d packed a bag of provisions and gotten all my stuff together Saturday evening, so I basically only had to get myself sorted and ready to go.

Tech started at 11:00 am, so I had cereal for breakfast and headed out to the theater. This was a good tech, meaning that it didn’t quite stretch into the wee hours of the morning, and lasted just a bit over 12 hours. It’s not very labor intensive for the cast, but there’s a lot of back and forth, and a LOT of hurry up and wait.

I had food temptation today like I haven’t had in a long time, but I was not terribly surprised by it. First it was the humongous bacon sandwich our Stage Manager had. It’s not against the rules, but that would probably take up quite a bit of my calories for the day. I was thinking of ways I could have me a bacon sammich without blowing my calorie load: The thin sandwich rounds of bread (which are not GF, but once in a while wouldn’t hurt), fresh kale and tomato, bacon, and avocado (so I wouldn’t need mayo or anything like that.) I might have to make those when my family is here. I know my mother and sister would especially love them.

The second was the huge towers of pizza brought in by one of our very, very generous sponsors. They came from a really good local restaurant, accompanied by boxes of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. These are the kind of pizzas where you can see the outline of fresh mozzarella slices on the pie, with fresh herbs, and a beautiful crust.

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But in the end, I stuck to my guns and ate the food I brought with me: curry and quinoa, snap peas, edamame, banana, cottage cheese with almonds and craisins, these homemade healthy cookies, and pixie tangerines. And I didn’t go over my calorie limit, either. Actually, by the end of the night I felt like I’d eaten a bit too much, fullness wise. Calorie wise, I came in just under my target, which is why I kept eating, because eating too little is not a habit I want to get into, especially not when I will be totally physically taxed this week.

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Tomorrow is Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry’s, which will be a hard one to pass up on. I’ll probably try to suss out how many calories and how much sugar is contained in one of their frozen yogurt cones and then decide from there whether or not I want to go there, but right now I’m leaning toward no. It’s not that I won’t ever be a bit extravagant, it’s that there are times coming up (like when my family visits) when I know I’m going to want to, and those times are more important than this time.

The cognitive dissonance is increasing for me, lately. I’m getting more and more notice from others regarding my weight loss, and there are little things that are so different with my body, but I still don’t feel it in my brain. I’ve read somewhere that the average woman in the US is a size 14, which means I am now smaller than the average woman. The way my legs fit together is new and foreign to me. The way I look when I pass mirrors is unfamiliar, like I’m seeing a different person than the one who lives in my brain.

I still have a ways to go, but I’m getting there. The top of the BMI healthy range for my height is 163 pounds. I am 15 pounds away from that right now, which is the amount of weight I’ve lost over the last few months, so I’m half way to that goal post. Part of me wishes I could just wake up and have it all be done right now, and the other half of me feels so disoriented already that I know I need the intervening time to figure out whatever it is inside me that is so distorted in it’s view.

I finished reading Stranger Here, and I’m still digesting it, really. So many parts of it hit home with me, even though my journey is different than her’s was. It was such a worthwhile read, and I would still feel that way if it had been twice the price. I would recommend it to absolutely anyone out there who has ever struggled with their body, and especially anyone considering weight loss surgery.

For me, it’s been easy to reject the idea of having weight loss surgery, first because there’s no way I could ever have afford it, second because the idea of having surgery scares the hell out of me, but finally, because I have lost weight any time I’ve chosen to make changes in either caloric output or caloric input and actually stuck to it. That is true for most people, but not for everyone. Some people try and try and the weight doesn’t come off, and I’m glad there’s an option there for them to seek.

Weekend weigh in results: down 2 lbs and thats about it. No inches lost. I plod onward.



I’ve come to the decision that pan frying veggies is my favorite way to prepare most of them. I have tried it so far with broccoli, cauliflower, and Brussels sprouts, and it is fast and easy, and they come out perfectly pretty much every time.

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How to Pan Fry Veggies:

  1. Cut up the veggies however you like. The smaller the are, the better they will cook, but you don’t want them shredded. I usually cut broccoli in halves or thirds, same for Brussels sprouts and cauliflower.
  2. Rinse the veggies well under cool water.
  3. Heat up a tablespoon or so of olive oil in the bottom of a skillet or frying pan over medium-high heat. My favorite to use is a cast iron skillet, but I figure a regular frying pan would work well enough.
  4. Once the oil is hot, toss the veggies in. For Brussels sprouts, I place them cut side down and leave them. For broccoli and cauliflower, I toss them in and then stir them around to coat in the olive oil, then toss gently to move them around while they fry.
  5. While the veggies cook for 2-3 minutes, dissolve salt in 3-5 tbsp of water. Add some pepper and any other seasonings you like. I usually throw in some red pepper flakes (qu’elle surprise?!?)
  6. Once the veggies have fried for 2-3 minutes, pour in the water and put a lid on the pan. Let the veggies steam like this for another 2 minutes.
  7. Remove lid and turn of heat. Let some of the steam escape. At this point, you can add more seasoning, or sprinkle a little bit of cheese over the veggies and let it melt. I often sprinkle in curry powder, or use parmesan cheese if I want a more mild, creamy addition.

That’s it! So tasty, though.

Miraculously, the director is so pleased with where we are in the show, he cancelled tonights rehearsal. I feel almost luxurious thinking about all the time I will have free tonight to do laundry and relax. Laundry is not relaxing, but not having to fit it in tomorrow will be really nice (unless I decide to bake tonight and do laundry tomorrow… which I just might.)

I’ve been struggling this week with my body image. I know that I am smaller, and still losing size. The numbers bear that out, and people keep commenting on how well I’m doing (they all know I’m working at it, so I’m not as annoyed by it as I might be otherwise.) But I can’t see the difference with my own eyes. I can see that things no longer fit, but when I look at my body in the mirror, or glance at my limbs, or look down at my lap, it all looks the same, and it’s such bullshit. It feels so cruel that everyone seems to see it except me.

I still haven’t had the urge to eat shitty food, at least, and I still feel healthier than I ever have, and I still feel accomplished every time I eat a bowl of vegetables smothered in more vegetables for dinner. But I can’t see the change as it translates in my physical form. It really bothers me to think that I might always feel that way. I hope that there will come a time when I am satisfied with my body.

I just wish that someone could promise me that I can get there, mentally. I am being totally stubborn about making sure that I eat enough food, so I’m not sliding into physically dangerous territory, but if I could just know that this journey would improve me mentally instead of just physically, I would feel a whole lot better about the whole thing. I’m not doing this to look better for other people. I’m doing this to be healthier, and to be better for myself.



I still have not procured 10 lb dumbbells, but there are a few reasons. First off, it’s like $15 per dumbbell, whereas if I wait a bit (until I get paid or get my tax return), I can snag a set of adjustable ones that go up to 30 lbs for like $70. Considering that I don’t have room for a whole collection of dumbbells, and also that I don’t want to shell out $30 for each set along the way (10 lb, 15 lb, 20 lb, 25 lb, 30 lb), I think thats probably a better option. Also, I might be able to borrow a set of 10 pounders from a friend to tide me over until I get a better idea of what I want to do.

So, the long and short of it, is that I’m still working with 5 lb weights, but Monday, I managed four full circuits rather than three. It still didn’t give me the DOMS I was hoping for (not that I like being sore for it’s own sake, but thats how I know it’s working.) Maybe I’ll try for five sets tomorrow?

If I had a car, I would just rejoin Planet Fitness for $10 a month and use their equipment. Sadly, I do not have a car, so my options are limited. Sure would be nice to have access to the other free weight stuff, though. Maybe one of these days.

This afternoon I went to the store to pick up some veggies, and to stock up on healthy snacks for the coming shit storm. I got some broccoli and cauliflower that I can fry up really fast and eat with the curry soup and rice, because I can put all that stuff together in less than 10 minutes and have a good, nutritious meal before I have to jet to rehearsal.

I also got some pea snacks, some sweet potato and beet chips, some blue potato chips (not super healthy, but not against my rules and totally natural), and some edamame I can prepare ahead of time. Tonight, when I got home, I portioned everything out into serving sizes so it’s all ready to go before the proverbial shit hits the fan. I even wrote the portion size and name of each thing on the bag, so if I eat something and don’t have time to log it, I can keep the bags and remember what I ate later. I got a couple of Luna bars, too, in case I get really desperate, but those are last ditch “put down the junk food” sort of options.

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I imagine there will be other trips to the coop to pick up random fruit or premade food, but I wanted to wander into battle full armed.

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I also made a Gigantic Pot of Curry Soup, which has worked so well for me in the past. I actively crave that stuff pretty much all the time, so it’ll be good to have it around when I’m likely going to be needing something that appeals to that sort of visceral food drive. I can even take single servings to the theater with me, just in case I have an attack of the HUNGREEEEE. Plus, it’s got enough fiber in it to be reasonably filling. This time I used kabocha pumpkin, butternut squash, sweet potatoes and carrots. There are so many different things that can go into that soup. It came out really thick and less hot than last time. I might have to add more curry powder to each serving as I use it, lol.

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This is only part of the extra. I think I made enough to last me a week. Maybe, lol.

Joy of joys, I’m also about to start my period, so what we have here is the perfect storm of potential dietary ruin triggers. What I need to do is channel my legendary stubbornness and just grit my damn teeth until the whole week and a half is over and done with. It’s been just about two months now since I’ve started, so a week and a half is doable.

The good news, the gold ring that I’m trying to grab, is that if I can get through this without slipping, I’m pretty sure I can make it through any regular stress that gets in my way. So, barring serious trauma or some crazy apocalypse, this is likely to be one of the most trying periods I encounter for a while. At least until the family gets here, lol.



Yesterday, Easter Sunday, we had rehearsal in the big theater for the second time. It’s a glorious place, but it is, unfortunately, the driest place ever to exist on Earth. I can’t be in there for more than an hour without getting a headache, at least the first few times before each show. I don’t know what changes, maybe it finally sinks in that I have to drink gallons of water BEFORE I get there, not just during, but hopefully it’ll get better this time like it did for Rent.

Yesterday, one of the other cast members brought a basket of candy-filled Easter eggs in for everyone, and I noticed that some of them contain my kryptonite, the Cadbury mini eggs. I didn’t take any, but I did feel a pang and start to think “well, one wouldn’t be a great tragedy.” And maybe I could eat only one of them, it wouldn’t be the most shocking thing ever. But maybe I wouldn’t stop at one, and I didn’t want to take the risk. Part of me wonders if they would even taste good to me now, but again, it’s a box I’m not ready to open just yet. If I can make it to a year sans sugar, it might be a different story, but at the beginning of 2 weeks of craziness, it’s just not a safe experiment to have.

It helped to see that most of the adults didn’t take any, and also that I had a banana with me. It tasted nice and sweet without the side order of guilt I probably would have felt afterward. Not guilt because of anything external at all, but guilt at letting myself down, because I’ve worked so hard to make myself healthier, and now is not a good time to test myself.

I’m pretty much at the “oh shit, my free time is GONE” moment, which is bad, because I haven’t stocked up enough food. I need to make curry soup this week some time so that I can have a bunch of meals frozen, and I also need to pack up some cottage cheese cups and grab some other things to take to the theater with me for when attacks of the munchies happen. I’m trying to shift my thinking so that I learn to view this as an opportunity to learn new snacking habits. I need to walk up to the co op at some point this week and look at the snack food there, because I know there are healthy things I can choose, things I haven’t tried before, and that will help.

Friday I got to try edamame, which I loved, so that would be a good option. My mom also said she tried something with freeze-dried corn that tasted like candy, so I can check and see if there’s something like that there. Plus they have stuff in the bulk section, like dried banana slices and other dehydrated fruit, plus nuts and other stuff. There are also kale chips, which I’ve been wanting to try anyway. Even just typing this stuff out is helping, so I know it’s just a mental game I have to keep playing with myself. The co op is 2 blocks from the theater, and they also have a prepared food section with cooked stuff, so I can even go there if I want something hot, and I know they’ll have stuff I’ve never tried before. I can totally do this.

I did something kind of silly this afternoon, and I ordered this skirt. In a size medium. I’m shrinking into a size 12 now (I might be there, but I haven’t had a chance to test the theory just yet.) The medium says it’s for size 8-10, so I know it probably won’t fit when it gets here. My thinking is that by the time it really gets to be summer, it will fit. At $10, itt’s not an expensive gamble or anything, but this hearkens back so many memories of times when my grandmother would buy me clothes that were too small because “they would fit me when I lost weight.” It was a near constant thing with her, and she was the most persistent and obnoxious of the people who always told me I wasn’t good enough because I was fat (no matter how nicely they said it.)

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I haven’t often bought “goal clothes” myself, and now that I reflect on it, it’s only been twice so far: the pair of jeans that is now languishing on the floor because they are too big and keep falling off, and the little black dress I got at a thrift store that now fits ok and which I’ve started wearing again. So this might not be the big doomed-to-failure purchase I’m making it out to be in my head, but as long as I’m airing my damage, I’ll include the irrational with the rational. And just to make sure I’m airing it all out and really exorcising it, I’m going to post about it when it gets here, and then post picture of me wearing it once it finally fits.

My veggie list is getting longer, and the ones I will actively seek out is getting more extensive as I learn to cook them in more appealing ways:

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Really, asparagus should be starred, too, because I go back to that one a lot. I might try pan-frying it to see how it turns out. I’m sure I can find better things to do with carrots, too, they’re just a challenge because DBF doesn’t like them cooked, and I don’t like big carrots raw (though I’ll totally snarf down baby carrots when they’re offered.) I saw a documentary the other day that suggested people should just start adding healthy things in, and eventually the healthy things would crowd out the unhealthy things? That is totally happening for me, and I couldn’t be happier about it. It’s kind of amazing how much easier it is to be satisfied with real food than with the stuff that was slowly killing me.



et cetera