The Final Fifty

A lot has happened since the last time I posted. We finished rehearsing and then finished performing Hair. My family came to visit. And at some point during all of that madness, I became Not Overweight Anymore. I’ll get round to how I feel about that in a bit, but there’s a lot of little things bouncing off the walls in my head, and I feel like I have to get that stuff out before I can get to the meat and bones of how I feel now.

The first thing (well, not chronologically, but the Biggest Thing) is that, somehow, unimaginably, I am now smaller than my little sister. It’s been two weeks since they went home, and I still can’t wrap my brain around it. It’s not that my sister is big at all, because she’s not. It’s that I’ve shrunk more dramatically than I am able to see. My whole life I’ve looked at her and thought “if only I were thin like my sister”, and now I am, and my brain still hasn’t caught up with it. And I’m just hoping that my sister isn’t as weirded out by it as I feel.

My mother tried not to push too hard, but I think to her I look like I’ve wandered out of Auschwitz. She could see that I’m eating plenty, though. I feel like we spent the entire visit doing nothing but eating, actually. I expected to get back on the scale having gained a lot, but I just held steady, even though I ate more and heavier food than I have in a long time and didn’t run or dance at all. But she kept telling me that I “really don’t need to lose any more weight” with a serious expression.

And I’m in range now, I know I am, I just want to work on lowering my body fat percentage now and maybe get a little more comfortably into the healthy range for things, and not at the very top. I don’t want to have to worry about little fluctuations. And I know that I’m probably going to put a little bit back on when I transition from losing weight to maintaining weight.

I also fell off the sugar wagon. Not terribly, but enough to where I’m having sugar cravings all over again. I tried to do better last week, but I failed in the face of cookies. Lovely, delicious cookies. It’s going to be a while before I can really kick those cravings again, I just have to stick to it better. I can still lose weight as long as I keep them in moderation, but I don’t do so well with the moderation once the cravings start, and consuming sugar and refined carbs will definitely not help with the midsection weight I tend to carry around, and that is not healthy.

Now that everything has calmed down a bit, I’m getting back into my running schedule. Slowly, things are falling back into a normal rhythm. I try out for another show in a week, but even if I get cast, it will take a while for things to build to a stressful level. Right now I’m just focused on decompressing a bit and getting used to how I feel, whatever that is.


et cetera