The Final Fifty











{April 8, 2013}   Wins and Losses, and Marching Into Metaphoric Battle.

Yesterday was tough. The morning was lovely, with a bit of Doctor Who and lazing about in bed with the sunshine streaming in through the windows. I’d packed a bag of provisions and gotten all my stuff together Saturday evening, so I basically only had to get myself sorted and ready to go.

Tech started at 11:00 am, so I had cereal for breakfast and headed out to the theater. This was a good tech, meaning that it didn’t quite stretch into the wee hours of the morning, and lasted just a bit over 12 hours. It’s not very labor intensive for the cast, but there’s a lot of back and forth, and a LOT of hurry up and wait.

I had food temptation today like I haven’t had in a long time, but I was not terribly surprised by it. First it was the humongous bacon sandwich our Stage Manager had. It’s not against the rules, but that would probably take up quite a bit of my calories for the day. I was thinking of ways I could have me a bacon sammich without blowing my calorie load: The thin sandwich rounds of bread (which are not GF, but once in a while wouldn’t hurt), fresh kale and tomato, bacon, and avocado (so I wouldn’t need mayo or anything like that.) I might have to make those when my family is here. I know my mother and sister would especially love them.

The second was the huge towers of pizza brought in by one of our very, very generous sponsors. They came from a really good local restaurant, accompanied by boxes of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. These are the kind of pizzas where you can see the outline of fresh mozzarella slices on the pie, with fresh herbs, and a beautiful crust.

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But in the end, I stuck to my guns and ate the food I brought with me: curry and quinoa, snap peas, edamame, banana, cottage cheese with almonds and craisins, these homemade healthy cookies, and pixie tangerines. And I didn’t go over my calorie limit, either. Actually, by the end of the night I felt like I’d eaten a bit too much, fullness wise. Calorie wise, I came in just under my target, which is why I kept eating, because eating too little is not a habit I want to get into, especially not when I will be totally physically taxed this week.

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Tomorrow is Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry’s, which will be a hard one to pass up on. I’ll probably try to suss out how many calories and how much sugar is contained in one of their frozen yogurt cones and then decide from there whether or not I want to go there, but right now I’m leaning toward no. It’s not that I won’t ever be a bit extravagant, it’s that there are times coming up (like when my family visits) when I know I’m going to want to, and those times are more important than this time.

The cognitive dissonance is increasing for me, lately. I’m getting more and more notice from others regarding my weight loss, and there are little things that are so different with my body, but I still don’t feel it in my brain. I’ve read somewhere that the average woman in the US is a size 14, which means I am now smaller than the average woman. The way my legs fit together is new and foreign to me. The way I look when I pass mirrors is unfamiliar, like I’m seeing a different person than the one who lives in my brain.

I still have a ways to go, but I’m getting there. The top of the BMI healthy range for my height is 163 pounds. I am 15 pounds away from that right now, which is the amount of weight I’ve lost over the last few months, so I’m half way to that goal post. Part of me wishes I could just wake up and have it all be done right now, and the other half of me feels so disoriented already that I know I need the intervening time to figure out whatever it is inside me that is so distorted in it’s view.

I finished reading Stranger Here, and I’m still digesting it, really. So many parts of it hit home with me, even though my journey is different than her’s was. It was such a worthwhile read, and I would still feel that way if it had been twice the price. I would recommend it to absolutely anyone out there who has ever struggled with their body, and especially anyone considering weight loss surgery.

For me, it’s been easy to reject the idea of having weight loss surgery, first because there’s no way I could ever have afford it, second because the idea of having surgery scares the hell out of me, but finally, because I have lost weight any time I’ve chosen to make changes in either caloric output or caloric input and actually stuck to it. That is true for most people, but not for everyone. Some people try and try and the weight doesn’t come off, and I’m glad there’s an option there for them to seek.

Weekend weigh in results: down 2 lbs and thats about it. No inches lost. I plod onward.

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Kristine says:

Free cone day is annoying. You wait FOREVER and then the counter people are annoying and surly because they’re swamped. I’d rather go tomorrow and pay for my cone. ::solidarity::

Another way to do your bacon sandwich is as a wrap. I like to do it up then run it through my panini press. NOM.

The rest of it–I hear you, but my brain can’t take it in today. I send love.



We went last year and the line was long, but moved really fast, and the counter people were friendly. But I’m not going. It’d be like 250 calories, which I have the wiggle room for, but I’d rather have the flexibility later at rehearsal to snack if I need to. Not to mention I think I need to work in more protein today, so I’ll probably stick with string cheese.



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