The Final Fifty











{March 10, 2013}   Avocados, Weekly Update, and My Big, Fat Personality

Today, I ate an avocado for dinner. I liked it, though I found it a bit bland. I think I will like it better in other preparations, or at least with a bit of seasoning. I definitely want to try them baked with an egg in them, or in an omelette. If I still ate bread, I would totally try them with bacon on a sandwich. I don’t think I like tomatoes, based on more recent experience of them, but I might give them a try at some point.

I lost two pounds this week, though my measurements all stayed the same. I lost some fat and some lean body mass, which is not entirely surprising given that I wasn’t able to dance as much or as intensely as I wanted to. I’m really looking forward to the day when I can do weights again, not to mention all the walking I can do when it warms up to a decent temperature. Losing weight has always made me more susceptible to cold, and this time is no exception. I’m hoping that once I lose weight and get more active, my circulation will improve, but I know there’s a chance that next winter I’ll have to wear a down coat every single day.

Looking back over the last few weeks, my diet has been really successful in terms of eliminating less healthy items and expanding the range of natural, unprocessed stuff I’ve tried and am learning to incorporate. I can’t really quantify this in objective way, but I feel like I shouldn’t just be measuring my success and progress based on how my body responds to my efforts. There are some weeks when I feel like I’ve done really well, and yet I don’t lose weight or inches, and there are some weeks, like this one, where I just feel tired and like I didn’t manage to do very well at all, and my metrics still improve.

Sometimes you can do everything right and not lose weight. It just happens that way. But that doesn’t mean that the changes you’ve made are not worthwhile. And sooner or later, if you push long enough, the changes become habits, and the habits become change.

I was thinking about things today, and especially about what being fat has meant in my life, and the ways it has unquestionably changed my personality. Don’t get me wrong, I am a strong person, very opinionated and straightforward, and I don’t expect those things would be any different if I’d been thin my whole life. But I learned from a young age to never show weakness in front of my peers, and especially to never let them see that they’d managed to hurt my feelings.

I learned how to be standoffish, and how to act like nothing affected me. I learned to feign total indifference to what other people said or thought about me. And I learned to use biting sarcasm to both keep people at a distance, and to convince others that it was best not to mess with me. In essence, I learned how to at least appear to be completely invulnerable.

I’ve shed a lot of this as I’ve aged. I’m not so standoffish anymore, I make friends easily and I feel like most people like me well enough. I’ve learned that being overweight doesn’t automatically preclude me being accepted, even liked, by others. But there’s still a big part of me that is afraid to show any weakness or vulnerability. And, of course, that’s exactly what I have to do to be considered for the part I want in an upcoming show. I wonder if it’s possible?

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