The Final Fifty

{March 6, 2013}   On awesome teas, the perniciousness of body image (ED triggers), and making myself dizzy

Yesterday was another “bad body day”. I get them pretty frequently – days when, no matter what I do, I feel fat, or bloated, or just plain sluggish.

In my head, I keep thinking that there will come a time (or, more accurately, a size) when my body doesn’t ever feel that way. I keep thinking that eventually I will just feel fit all the time. I think at this point, it’s probably healthiest for me to accept that that probably isn’t true. Whether its a physical feeling of being bloated, or just a mental disconnect between my actual size/shape and what my body looks like according to my brain, I will probably always feel like I do now, which is how I felt when I was at my heaviest.

This, I suspect, is the most unhealthy fallout of our cultural obsession with weight, dieting, and policing bodies (especially women’s bodies.) If I were not otherwise confident, if I were willing to do unhealthy things to lose weight, if being thin were more important to me, I suspect this is the mental makeup that could transport me straight into eating disorder territory.

Think about it. What happens if I get to 150, or 130, or even 120, and I still have days like yesterday where I just feel fat? What if I get down to a size 8, or even a 6, and I still turn sideways in the mirror and feel like I just need to sculpt a little bit more off here or there? How easy would it be, at that point, having lost a grand total of 100+ pounds, to turn my accumulated expertise gained in the struggle, and keep whittling away at myself until the very thing that I started to get myself healthy becomes an exercise in self destruction?

People make jokes about eating disorders, but it’s a real problem that we inflict on people by creating these ridiculous ideas of what bodies are supposed to look like. So I choose to accept, right now, that I will probably always feel this way, and that it’s ok. I will continue to look at externally chosen health indicators, and to focus on getting my measurements and weight into a healthy range. Part of the journey to health, for me, is to acknowledge the mental side of this battle, and to understand that being healthy probably means learning to live with the negative self image to a certain degree.

Here are some of the things I do to help remind me that my body doesn’t actually look in reality the way it looks in my head:

  • Focus on the healthy changes I’ve made in my diet, because holy shit whoa, that is a big deal.
  • Look at the ring I got, and remember that it would have been tight on my pinky a few years ago.
  • When shopping, look at a pair of size 20-22 pants. That’s what I used to wear.
  • Dance. Acknowledge all the things I can do now that I couldn’t do six months ago, let alone six years ago.
  • Browse recipes with new vegetables that I want to try.
  • Look at my graphs in MyNetDiary to see the progress I’ve made.

Last night I tried to dance and managed about 20 minutes. The problem was that we’re at the point in tap where we’re learning turns, and I’m having trouble with it. I get motion sickness very easily, and even with spotting, I got dizzy and then nauseous pretty quickly. I might skip that tap lesson and move on to the next one. I think once we’re doing them faster and only once or twice instead of over and over again, it’ll be easier for me to get through it. Tonight is belly dance night, so that will be easier for me.

I got more of my favorite tea yesterday. It’s called “Three Kings”, and it’s made up of African sugarbush, ginger and elder berries. I bought out their supply, so now I have to ration it for a while, lol. Guess I might have to work in some of the other teas I have.


FWIW even at my weight I still have “fat days”. I know in reality I am far from it but I have days where I feel bloated and blah and icky. It is a for real problem. I just get through it by telling myself that it will eventually pass and I will feel back to normal soon.

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